A trip for the soul!

Well we just arrived at our destination in Tucson Az, to see my mom, my brother and his cute lil family. Can we just say it was so nice to just drive and get away. The kids were kids.. what do you expect. They wanted to know 32 times from Sandy to Kanab if we were in Az yet.. Little did they understand.. once in Az we still had a long way to go. But we are here.. We stopped in Flagstaff and after calling 8 hotels we called one who still didnt have vacancy but gave us one that did and we got their last room. Oh and the last 2 hotels we called.. Were the only ones who had friendly employees.. We know where we will stay from now on .. but....

I get to take this next week and pray and study and relax.. As well as have fun. Contemplating my life and what direction it should take. I think I know the majority of where it needs to go and with that I just need to make a plan of action. God be with me and those around me this week as I listen as closely as I can..(with the screaming of children in the foreground) as to what I should do and go frome here..

Healing

There is a process we all go through in every situation. I have gone through shock.. horror, disbelief... And now.. Anger, bitterness, resentment. Nothing can get us through these emotions as thoroughly as God. He has shown up in every way in my life lately. I may be going through crap, but he has brought me amazing people to not only help me go through this, but for me to help them through similar things. Together and with God we will endure. We have to have perseverence. We have to continue on with God as our only strength. Thank you dear friends who have come from literally nowhere.. Sent only from God to walk through side by side. It is a new day and I can conquer it and move forward with Him. What a blessing to know!

Teeth, Animals and Moms!

Well Jaden had his first cavity filled the other day and he was soo nervous. He cried because he didn't know what to expect. And I wasn't sure how he would think that it felt. He hated having his mouth numb. He was soo afraid he would slobber.. It was soo stinkin cute. I just could not stand it. I tried so hard to be supportive and not chuckle, and I managed but barely. Afterwards the dentist said he really did a great job and listened really well to all that he was supposed to do.

Here is a picture of him ... so cute

Then last wed. We went to the zoo for Jaden's field trip. One of the buses was late and it took almsot an hour off their time at the zoo. Kind of a bummer. But I took Kyla and Addy and we had a great time. Kyla loves giraffes.. It is so funny.. I never liked them but she LOVES them..

And then finally.. Moms Day. Even though it was a tough day for me not having Chris around. And itbeing the day after our anniversary. I did ok. It was so great to be with my sister all weekend and just be. She is totally spoiling me and I love her for it.. (well I love her either way, but she is being so amazing through all my problems.) My kids were great on Mothers day I got great little home made gifts.. which are by far my favorite thing to get. I totally love being a mom. There is no greater blessing in the world.

The kids....

You know I hate hate hate to have to share the kids. It is soo hard. Trying to figure out when I get them and when he gets them and what Holidays we both want. It sucks.. Flat out sucks. Part of me wants to say NO you did this to us, why should you get the kids. But then part of me says that they need to see him and it is so important for him to be in their lives. I could never keep them from him. But the angry side of me wants to. But I think that with all the arrangements that we are working out it will help me to heal a deep deep wound. It will help me see that if I have to, I can do it on my own. I am a strong individual and with God by my side I know that I can do anything..

First Realization

Well I guess reality has sunk in. I have been excluded from the first event of many I am sure.. Which is only to be expected when we have so many of the same friends. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. So I will be celebrating my anniversary with my kids. Maybe I can take them to a movie and spend some time loving on them. It is however mothers day weekend and I love being their mom. They are the things that keep me going. They are so happy and so loving. Right now they are making cards for their dad and my dear friend Gwen. They are so creative.

Addy is still not crawling..(which is fine by me) But she does the cutest dang thing with her tongue

This was her waiting for mommy and crew to load boxes at Ikea and she was looking in the mirror watching herself stick out her tongue.

This week I planted flowers and that made me feel better to have some color in my yard. Now I just need to get my sprinklers fixed so I can water them and do some more. Chris got some free sod today so he is helping a little fix up the house. So that it has some curb appeal when we sell it.

It isn't much but it is amazing how much better I feel.

We are on week 3. I was looking at pictures tonight of my brothers wedding and all I can think of is that we were happy then. Nothing had happened, I still had my life. Now things just seem sooo messed up. Can you tell since I seem to be jumping from topic to topic!

A week

It's been a week. My heart is no better but I can control things a little better. I am trying mostly to keep myself in my home and not across the street strangling someone. When is it ok to be a little immature? I am sleeping ok.. but this is what my bed looks like before I get in it...

Yes there are 2 children and about 15 stuffed animals. So that is how I have been sleeping. I have had one night alone and that is only because I didn't put them to bed.. It just seems to be easier for them to be in my bed and easier for me to put them there and not be alone.

I saw her today and my heart ached and I will be honest I yelled and asked if she was proud of her self.. but then I got all shakey and weak and had to come inside. Now I am having a glass of wine to calm me. This royally sucks.

But on better notes,.. Addy got up on her hands and knees yesterday for the first time. She is so chubby that she is almost 9 months old and not crawling. Love it. Well time is here again to try and get the kids in their beds, we will see if it happens or not.

From Happy to Devastated in one week.

It is amazing how fast things can change. You have all seen it happen. Even if only in Allstate commercials.. one second you have a car.. the next a tree is on it. One second you have a happy family the next you are broken and unhappy. Easter Sunday.. Happy Family

One Sunday later.. Devastation takes its place. And when they say you have a broken heart and it is a heartache.. It truely hurts. It is spiritual pain, Emotional pain and shockingly enough physical pain. I hurt all over. Whether it is just the sickness in my belly, head pain from crying or just achy from the hurt. Even my heart physically hurts. I have always HATED lying. I hate being lied to.. I hate lying to people.. I am terrible at it.. absolutely terrible.. But being decieved by the man you love is nothing short of painful. How do you let it keep happening? There HAS got to be a line somewhere. I think I have found that line of NO MORE. Of moving on.. It hurts to say it and worse to think it.. but I believe God is telling me that I deserve better and to be with someone who gives me as much as I give them. Maybe this is what it will take for him to get it. To really understand the healing power of God of how to accept him into his heart so that changes can take place.

I can't even begin to thank the ones who have already been there for me and my kids. And the ones I know once they know will pop up to help to.. Even in the form of prayer. I know this sounds weird, but I thank especially those that can help him get better from the sickness inside. The ones who can stay neutral and love us both as we work out our lives separately. When you don't have anyone it sucks. I went a long time with no one by my side that could lift me up rather than drag me down. I went a long time worrying about everyone but myself and I lost my one true love. But when a bond is broken over and over the bond grows weak and it hurts so much worse reopening the wound.

Now I don't know if I am making any sense but here it is.. These are my thoughts.

Time Flies...

Well it has been months since I have updated my blog so I feel it is time.. If I ever get consistent you will know that my life has some organization.. but since that will never happen.. don't hold your breath!! haha..

With 3 kids a part time job a house to de-junk and the sun coming out.. I am not gonna be home any more than I am. And since this is the last thing I think about (even after facebook) then it won't get updated too often.. Unless I make an alarm on my calendar to remind me to do this periodically.. that may help.. but anyway..

Good Friday is coming up this weekend and I am teaching the kids about Christ's sacrifice for us and how he gave his life for us.. It is so innocent the things they say. Kyla tonight was saying her pledge of allegiance and she knows some of the signs for it and was doing those.. then she said we say the pledge to the flag for Jesus. They are just so innocent it is fun to hear them learning.

Now Jaden is loved by all the girls (boys too) but he seems to have girls chasing him all over. He said the other day.. that all the girls love him and have crushes on him.. BUT he only has eyes for little Madison S. He bought her a little valentine puppy and gave it to her.. And she supposedly was going to go break up with her boyfriend. Cause even though she PROMISED him she would marry him.. She likes Jaden better.. hehe.. young love is too fun!

Addy on the other hand is just a bundle of love. She is soooo GOOD. Seriously.. She just sits and laughs and plays and chats. She is not crawling.. she is 8 months old today. She can get around but rolling and turning but no crawling yet. She is not too sure about baby food either. She likes Carrots, sweet potatoes, and squash.. so I am trying to think of table food she can eat.. but man I am scared to give her anything.. She still has squishy cheeks and rolls all over her body. She is always smiling and giggling and is everyones delight!!